The introvert and loneliness

What does loneliness mean to you? It's a simple question that seems easy to answer but did you know that loneliness is different for different people? For me loneliness happens when I allow myself to isolate from others for long periods of time.  

THE INTROVERT  

Yes I am an introvert! What does that mean exactly? That means that I can be alone for long periods of time without a single twinge of loneliness. When I am by myself I recharge my batteries. If I know I will be going to a function with a lot of people I have to mentally prepare myself to engage in conversation or small talk. I feel emotionally drained at the end and must recharge which comes by solitude. To some of you this may sound backwards. My loneliness comes from my own desire to isolate and not engage in friendships or make excuses to not go to social functions because it is easier.  

I have learned that I am the only one who can break that cycle and here is what has worked for me.  

1. I ask myself what I want when it comes to relationships? Do I want a significant other in my life? Do I want to have long term friendships? Do I want close relationships with family? If the answer is yes to any of these questions then I go to the next question.  
2. What am I willing to do to make this happen? Is this relationship important enough to me to make the effort to get out of my comfort zone to make it work? Am I expecting others to come to me and not making an effort to go to them?  
3. How can I get past my fear of getting out there? What can I do to expand my ability to sustain relationships? This is where the real miracle comes! I become willing to seek outside help so that I can create long lasting relationships! 

I have worked for years as a therapist and helped others identify this as the problem. It was not until I got into coaching that I found a real solution! The solution comes in the form of processes that helped me to expand my mind and willingness to identify what I want.  I then allow the Universe to give me exactly what I ask for when I become willing to look at the part my own thinking comes in creating my own reality.  I have to make the decision to make my life better!

As you may or may not know I recently became engaged after years of dead end relationships. I am convinced that the Universe brought him to me only when I was ready to do the work needed to help the relationship expand. We met just prior to me taking the step to become a certified coach.  I was able to attract a healthy long term partnership after being single for 15 years. (For info on my first marriage and how I was effected look at the  three blog posts "My loved one is addicted") .

I am beginning to realise that in my desire to become a coach what I am really doing is starting a movement to help others that want to make a shift learn how to go about it.  

If any of this resonates with you please leave a comment or share with your friends. The answer to all the questions around loneliness for the introvert has an answer. In my next blog I will do my best to look at loneliness for the extrovert. This is much more difficult because I have never personally experienced this but don't fret extroverts I will be gaining insight on this from other coaches and bring you answers next month!

If you are curious about coaching but not sure if it's for you. Please contact me for an initial Energy Healing session at my expense! Mina@minasselfesteembuilder.com  

I am telling my story and would love to know yours! Don't let another minute go by feeling lonely!! 

FIND YOUR SELF CONFIDENCE

I can't believe it is almost here. My first official public webinar. Talk about having to find my self confidence! This is a huge deal for me! Why? Because I am so nervous but at the same time so excited to be going public! 

Have you been following me for a while? If you have then you know that this is the first of its kind. Why has it taken me so long? Believe it or not because of a lack of self confidence. It was not until I heard a mentor say that I was doing a disservice to all of my loyal followers not to provide a bigger way to spread my message than just one on one!! This information is way too important to keep to myself!  

I am going to blow the surprise of part of the webinar by saying at some point you have to tell the monkey brain to shut up and do whatever it is anyway because the fear of doing it is way worse than the actual act itself. So that is what I have done. My secret is out! This is my first and I am ready to tackle it head on! 

What is the monkey mind you ask? Oh it's that chatter that says I am not good enough or no one will want to hear what I have to say. It goes on 24/7 and at times I just have to tell it that I am not going to listen and do it anyway!  

I have a duty to get my message out! For all of you that hear that monkey mind 24/7 there are ways to quiet it long enough to have ideas come to you and go for the gusto! 

I want to personally invite everyone who wants to get past that monkey mind and get out of the safe box that is holding you back to please purchase your ticket and enter your registration information so you will receive the call details.  Http://www.Mylanderpages.com/SelfEsteemBuilder/Find-Your-Self-Confidence

I cant wait to meet everyone and share this life changing moment with you! We are going to learn together how to FIND YOUR SELF CONFIDENCE and I am going to lead you by example! 

JUNE 26,2016 

2pm central time ( if you have a question about what time that is for you just ask) 

In your favorite chair with your most relaxing things around you we will walk this journey together! 

I can't wait to meet you! See you there! 

My loved one is addicted part 3

I know it's been a while. A lot has happened since my last post. I have gotten engaged after over ten years of being single. My oldest daughter has moved back in with me for the first time since she was 17 (she is now 21). If you read my last post this is no small thing. My youngest daughter is navigating middle school and we are all living happily ever after under one roof! Well okay you got me that is not entirely true. Addiction has effected us all profoundly. In March of 2014 the children's father passed away of ongoing heart problems one month shy of his 51st birthday. I am happy to say he was sober when he died other than the medications prescribed to keep him comfortable in his last days. Now that the addict/alcoholic is gone is help really necessary for the family? 

I am at a crossroads in my life right now. I took the bold move to obtain a coaching certification from October 2014 to November 2015 when I was finally certified. I have manifested a position at my day job which I love and was at a point of burnout when I started the coaching program.  Being in the spotlight is not easy for me so marketing my business has been a challenge. I have committed to a lifetime with the love of my life which has also been through the power of manifestation. Prior to that I was in one dead end relationship after another.  I am watching my children who continue to grieve the loss of their father navigate life and decide on their own paths and realising I can only provide support and encouragement. I can't fix the pain or loss that they feel but I can provide them with ongoing help and support through outside resources. 

So now where do I start to make sense of my life and have the strength to be there emotionally and mentally for my kids so they can grow into responsible adults? Everyone needs help finding their way especially when life seems to go so far off course. It serves no purpose to blame any one action or inaction from myself or the addicted loved one for my circumstance. I have learned that I am the creator of my own future and for my children to have a chance at stability and happiness I need to create the best future for myself that I can. Here are the steps I am taking to manifest my perfect life! 

1. Gain clarity in the life I want to create.  

Why is clarity important? Manifesting is impossible when I am not clear on what I want. I will use my relationships for an example. In the past I knew I was looking for a lifetime partner but due to the pain and hurt I have experienced I was always looking for what I didn't want in a relationship rather than what I did want. In other words I was attracting people through a negative energy which kept me feeling like every relationship lacked something I needed. Living in lack created the space for fear and doubt to creep in which is no good for finding a life partner. It was not until I used the knowledge of what I didn't want to identify what I did want did my love life begin to turn around. Gaining clarity is essential and the coaching I got and coaching tools I learned allowed me to find that clarity.  

2. Why do I want to create this life? 

Why is it important to know why? It is only when I found out why I wanted to create this new life did things start to change for me. For me my why is creating stability for my future, becoming able to fully support my children financially without the help of my parents and to be able to spend my retirement comfortably with the ability to travel. I have to be fully invested in the why before manifestation can take place. I have to feel in line with the direction I am taking to make things work. When that is present the knowledge that the Universe will support me in manifesting my vision is so comforting!! I really just have to take the roads presented to me and at times take a leap of faith that this road is right.  

My primary example of this is the money I spent to become certified as a coach. I felt called to coaching like someone who is called to the ministry. The financial leap taken by this single parent was no small one. I had a little money that I wanted to invest and I thought what better way to invest than in myself. The expense also kept me focused to complete all assignments in a timely manner to achieve my goal of certified coach. All I can say is that I have already gotten my money's worth in the things I have been able to manifest so far that whether I become a full time coach or not (I am a part time coach right now and don't have the why yet to quit my job and make the leap to full time) I am so grateful for the experiences and the learning.  

3. How will living this life make me feel? 

The Universe and the Law of Attraction works not by what I think but how I feel. If I am living in fear and lack I will continue to manifest fear and lack. I have learned that to create the life I want I need a baseline feeling that I already have what I want to create. This is the part that requires so much help from a coach or a support group or both because those of us who have been touched by addiction are negatively charged at baseline. I could think of the most negative outcome for a certain problem and obsess about it for days or weeks prior to becoming involved in the family support groups that I still attend today. By the time I went into the coaching program I was aware of terms like detachment and letting go but it was not until I went through my certification program that I saw how these things were related to the Univesal Laws and how these laws worked within the steps to help people become sober and family members become sain. Truly all spiritual practices are in tune with the Universe and our vision of a higher power that brings calm to the storm and helps our thinking to become more positive. When utilising all supports at my disposal I began to feel that I had the security all along (think Dorothy there's no place like home). When I feel happy and secure I begin to manifest from that place and things begin to happen as if by magic! 

My story is by no means over. My life continues to produce miracles including my oldest choosing to live with me again while she goes to school. I am not looking for perfection but a sense of peace and serenity that to me makes my life feel perfect. With that in mind I have created my first products just for you. Creating the perfect life is within your grasp as it is mine. I have been where you are and want to be there to help you quiet the storm. Your first session is always at my expense. Is creating your perfect life something you strive for?  

Please contact me for your first clarity session to see if we connect. We don't need perfect lives to create the feelings of perfection. We only need guidance, willingness and the ability to take a leap of faith!! I have found that and so can you.  

Pictured here are my niece, Cassie, my oldest Shelby, my youngest Sarah and my sister Lisa. This was taken at Universal Studios last Christmas. No perfect pictures here but cherishing the memories!! 

Will you let me help you find your perfect life?  Contact me to start now!!

My loved one is addicted part 2

How do you know what your life purpose is? Can you use your experiences to heal others and yourself? As you know I recently became certified as a law of attraction coach. Now that I have the training I must take my experiences, make sense of them and share them with others as a way to make those experiences count. If you have not read my previous blog post please do so now. 

My initial training is in social work. I have spent the last 26 years working in mental health specifically and at least half of that time working with substance abusers.  The other half of the time I spent working with our mentally ill consumers. 

As I wrote in my last blog while working in our SA programs my husband who was initially in recovery moved into relapse. I could spend a bunch of time trashing him or sharing war stories but this blog is about me and my recovery. The first major point I want to make is 1. Trashing the alcoholic/addict especially in public or in front of family/children only makes matters worse. My oldest daughter was 4 when the addiction came out. She is now 21 and told me recently that her first memory was of me throwing her dad out of the house. Although now she understands our relationship was forever changed. 

To say my oldest was oppositional was an understatement. Every encounter with her seemed like war. She once threw her mattress across the room. As I said before this is not about them it is about me. I became depressed. I was working, trying to raise a very angry daughter and grieving the loss of the future I thought our family was going to have. The second big thing I need to share is that the anger is only in small part about the actions/inactions of the alcoholic/addict. 2. The anger at my husband was not from his actions as much as the loss of the dream I had about our future. My expectations created the ongoing pain and resentment I was feeling. The importance of this point is astronomical! Only when I got to the point that I could see that was I in a position to begin healing. 

I know what you are thinking because I thought this too. "I am not the problem he/she is the problem. If they would get sober then things would be okay". This leads me to the third major point. 3. My pain is only going to go away when I make the decision to work on myself. Sobriety is not the key to happiness. Even if the blessing of sobriety comes to your house there are still unresolved hurts and anger that must be dealt with on all sides for full family healing to take place. That being said sobriety does not come to every household. So what does that mean? 4. Sobriety is not essential for the family members to begin the healing process. If you are like me this really pisses you off because it did me. They can just check out on life and their responsibilities while I have to do all this hard work on myself to help myself and my children/grandchildren (One thing I learned from my work is that there are now many grandparents that are raising their grandchildren due to the addiction of their grown child). 

Although the loved one could be a parent, child, spouse or other significant person in your life the road to your healing is the same. For me initially my healing came from Al-anon meetings. I did not learn about coaching until many years later. I still go to meetings weekly as a way to keep focus. If I had not found this program and continued to use it I would have completely lost it.  

My journey did not end with my husband going to treatment. How could I go back to work dealing with addiction all day long? How was I going to reconnect with my oldest daughter who was out of control angry at me and not her dad (that part really sucked)? There will be more of my story in my next post.  

Are you hurting? Would you like to begin the healing process? Please contact me! I can help you begin the healing process right away or help you get to the place where you feel confident to start meetings.  

If you want to connect with like minded people please join my new Facebook page  https://www.facebook.com/Mylovedoneisaddicted/

Are you an enabler? Enabling extends the addiction and makes using comfortable or easy which delays the recovery process for your loved one.  

My Loved One is Addicted

What do you do when the Universe is pushing you to share your experience, strength and hope but the story is so personal that writing it down for others to read is painful? That is the position I have found myself in recently as a newly certified coach. I have come to realize that my story is important to who I am and that if you are going to trust me to help you with your journey my journey should be made public.  

One of the things I was taught this past year is that "what you resist persists".  In law of attraction terms what you focus on expands and if you have resistance around something then it will continue to hang around until it is dealt with.  

My self esteem issues started young and primarily centered around weight issues. I grew up in a family riddled with alcoholism on both sides but recovery entered my home when I was young thankfully. My grandparents lived in Akron,Ohio which is the Mecha for Alcoholics Anonymous and as the story goes the program was birthed there in the carriage house of what later became Stan Hewitt Hall. Multiple family members were in the program and I was around the program as a young child. My focus, however, was drinking cokes out of bottles and eating cake at the end.  Little did I know these experiences would foreshadow my personal and professional journey. 

Jump ahead to college and graduate school where my self esteem issues were a problem and my behavior although not much different than most college students was causing me problems.  I socialized with very few people and when I did I partied hard. While in graduate school for Social Work a close friend of mine went to treatment and I was devastated. Not only was I devastated but I was lost. How could my social life be tied completely to only one person? I was advised by my mother of all people to go to Al-Anon. This program has brought me more peace and understanding than I could have ever hoped for.  Al-Anon is a 12 step program for family and friends of alcoholics. I have since been attending for over 25 years and the tools I was taught helped me through every area of my life.

Now back to spring of 1989 I began attending the meetings, started feeling stronger and happier. In those meetings I was also introduced to a very handsome and charming (they are all very charming at the beginning) blonde haired and blue eyed recovering addict/alcoholic that I later married.   Are you beginning to see where I am going with this?

I began my job at the local mental health center and found myself working in the substance abuse division due to my extensive understanding of 12-step programs. I ran groups, did assessments, coordinated an inpatient program for women and as the job description reads "any other duties as assigned". Little did I know that as I worked day in and day out with addicts and alcoholics my life was about to take a devastating turn. Right under my trained nose my husband was in full relapse and I had no idea. 

In the next few blog posts I will share with you my experience with addiction. How it devastated me personally and professionally. How addiction effected my marriage and my children. How I eventually found my life again and how I now have the experience to help others with similar issues through my coaching programs. This is a series you will not want to miss. These blogs will be difficult and emotional for me to write but for me to help you I must lay it all out to show you that there is hope and that the Universe has your back in all the dark times. I wish I had these coaching tools along with my support groups back then. I know my journey would have been easier.  

Has your life been affected by someone else's addiction? If so I want to invite you to join my new Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/Mylovedoneisaddicted/

You don't have to go through this journey alone!! Are you ready to heal?